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Ask Edie ...
,Questions come up for parents all of the time. Sometimes we intuitively know the best way to handle a situation and sometimes we don’t. Hopefully, when that happens, you will feel comfortable enough to send those questions to me.
I may or may not have an answer. If I can’t come up with a solution I’m comfortable with I’ll go searching for one. I’m sure in most situations, together, we’ll be able to tackle the problem and watch that question disappear.
I may or may not have an answer. If I can’t come up with a solution I’m comfortable with I’ll go searching for one. I’m sure in most situations, together, we’ll be able to tackle the problem and watch that question disappear.
Following are answers to some recently submitted questions ...
Question: A pre-school teacher is having trouble with a five year old bully and wonders how to handle the problem.
Answer: Without knowing any of the circumstances my first thought is that he is a bully because he learned how to be one by whatever has gone on in his life before he got to pre-school. Could be from a parent, an older sibling, or another kid in the neighborhood. It would be good to try to figure that out, because usually a bully has been bullied.
My other thought is that at 5 he probably doesn’t have much understanding of what constitutes bullying. I think I would start with that, and look for an opportunity to sit and talk with him. Without saying that he’s a bully, I’d ask him if he knows what the word means, how and when does it happen, and how he thinks people feel when they’ve been bullied. I’d probably then ask him if he’d ever been bullied and try to get him to talk about it. When did it happen, how did he feel, what did he do? The next line of questioning might be asking him if he thinks he might be a bully and see what the response is and follow-up with more questions. This would also be the time to mention a few of the behaviors you have observed and ask him what he thinks about them in regards to bullying.
We often think the best way to handle this kind of a situation is to use punishment or logical consequences. I don’t suggest punishment. It wouldn’t teach a new way to behave and most likely lead to more conscious bullying in a sneaky way. Logical consequences would be a good place to start in that “if you bully someone then you aren’t allowed to play with the rest of the kids until you apologize.” I would encourage him to think of the consequences instead of just imposing them upon him as a way for him to take more ownership and responsibility. I would then move the conversation towards looking for solutions and having him come up with ideas that will keep him from bullying. This could happen after talking about why he bullies or how he feels when he bullies. The question then would be, what could he do to stop himself whenever he feels that way? This is pretty sophisticated for a five year old and will probably take a lot of monitoring and reminding. He might come-up with “turn my back and go someplace else” or “come stand beside the teacher until he feels better” or “start to draw a picture about how he’s feeling.”
The important thing to keep in mind is that bullying is a learned behavior, can be unlearned with help, and the sooner the unlearning happens the better.
Question: My six year old son starts to scream whenever something upsets him. Nothing seems to stem the scream until we give-in or punish. His scream is so loud and insistent that I’m afraid someone will feel we’re abusing him and will call the authorities.
Answer: Without knowing any of the circumstances my first thought is that he is a bully because he learned how to be one by whatever has gone on in his life before he got to pre-school. Could be from a parent, an older sibling, or another kid in the neighborhood. It would be good to try to figure that out, because usually a bully has been bullied.
My other thought is that at 5 he probably doesn’t have much understanding of what constitutes bullying. I think I would start with that, and look for an opportunity to sit and talk with him. Without saying that he’s a bully, I’d ask him if he knows what the word means, how and when does it happen, and how he thinks people feel when they’ve been bullied. I’d probably then ask him if he’d ever been bullied and try to get him to talk about it. When did it happen, how did he feel, what did he do? The next line of questioning might be asking him if he thinks he might be a bully and see what the response is and follow-up with more questions. This would also be the time to mention a few of the behaviors you have observed and ask him what he thinks about them in regards to bullying.
We often think the best way to handle this kind of a situation is to use punishment or logical consequences. I don’t suggest punishment. It wouldn’t teach a new way to behave and most likely lead to more conscious bullying in a sneaky way. Logical consequences would be a good place to start in that “if you bully someone then you aren’t allowed to play with the rest of the kids until you apologize.” I would encourage him to think of the consequences instead of just imposing them upon him as a way for him to take more ownership and responsibility. I would then move the conversation towards looking for solutions and having him come up with ideas that will keep him from bullying. This could happen after talking about why he bullies or how he feels when he bullies. The question then would be, what could he do to stop himself whenever he feels that way? This is pretty sophisticated for a five year old and will probably take a lot of monitoring and reminding. He might come-up with “turn my back and go someplace else” or “come stand beside the teacher until he feels better” or “start to draw a picture about how he’s feeling.”
The important thing to keep in mind is that bullying is a learned behavior, can be unlearned with help, and the sooner the unlearning happens the better.
Question: My six year old son starts to scream whenever something upsets him. Nothing seems to stem the scream until we give-in or punish. His scream is so loud and insistent that I’m afraid someone will feel we’re abusing him and will call the authorities.
Answer: Since this young man is six I’m assuming he knows exactly what he’s doing and knows there’s a good chance his behavior will get him what he wants. That is attention and power. Always remember, negative attention and power are better than no attention or power.
Initially I’m wondering when does the screaming happen? Is it with all people or just a few, at all times or certain times of the day, only at home or also when out?
Initially I’m wondering when does the screaming happen? Is it with all people or just a few, at all times or certain times of the day, only at home or also when out?
- Pay attention to what patterns emerge. What is happening and what changes might be made to change the environment.
- Be firm that he can not upset the rest of the household. Escort him outside or to his room if necessary, letting him know you are available for support.
- Don't give attention when the behavior you want to avoid is going on, however, stay close and comforting.
- Give positive attention and or allow control when appropriate. Choices give a feeling of being in charge that go a long way.
- When all is calm talk about the situation. Start with something like, “Just before you start to scream how do you feel?” Listen carefully, especially for triggers for the outbursts. If he can’t answer, use more questions and see where the conversation goes. Avoid “yes “ and “no” questions.
- Talk about places and times when this isn't happening, such as at school. Ask why he thinks that might be.
- Assure him of your love even when difficult things happen . Let him know you are there to help him learn to handle anger in ways other than screaming. Let him know it is okay to be upset and angry, just not okay to handle it by screaming.
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Question: A friend with a twelve-year-old son shared that he has an extreme fear of bees and asked for suggestions.
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Answer: Since her son is older he has his age and experience as an advantage. Engaging him in conversation about why he thinks he gets so fearful when bees come near would be a good place to begin. Perhaps he has a friend who got stung and had a very bad reaction. Perhaps he’s remembering another time when he got stung and how much it hurt.
Much of his anxiety could be tied to not being able to control his emotions and the fear of being embarrassed. Helping him learn to do deep breathing when he’s afraid he’ll get scared may help him relax and feel more in control. I suggested they talk about other things he does to keep himself calm in situations that may cause anxiety, such as being in a play or taking a test.
Also, perhaps she could act as an emotion coach, in much the same way as an athletic coach. This method can help him acknowledge the fear and the feelings that accompany it, giving him tools to move on and adapt. You do this by:
The important skills to enlist are empathy and validation that show you understand why he gets upset and validates the realness of his fear. Encouragement and patience that lets him know you have confidence he will overcome the fear are also important.
Knowing that he is a good student, I suggested he make a project of studying bees. By learning why they are endangered, what they need to survive, what their stinger is for and when they sting, he would gain knowledge to use in counteracting his fear. The more he knows the less likely he will be to be afraid.
Much of his anxiety could be tied to not being able to control his emotions and the fear of being embarrassed. Helping him learn to do deep breathing when he’s afraid he’ll get scared may help him relax and feel more in control. I suggested they talk about other things he does to keep himself calm in situations that may cause anxiety, such as being in a play or taking a test.
Also, perhaps she could act as an emotion coach, in much the same way as an athletic coach. This method can help him acknowledge the fear and the feelings that accompany it, giving him tools to move on and adapt. You do this by:
- Asking questions that allow the child to offload and express emotions
- Ensure that they feel heard and understood
- Share times when you were fearful and how you dealt with it
The important skills to enlist are empathy and validation that show you understand why he gets upset and validates the realness of his fear. Encouragement and patience that lets him know you have confidence he will overcome the fear are also important.
Knowing that he is a good student, I suggested he make a project of studying bees. By learning why they are endangered, what they need to survive, what their stinger is for and when they sting, he would gain knowledge to use in counteracting his fear. The more he knows the less likely he will be to be afraid.